3/23 afternoon diagnostics report.

🟣Ana: today was the first time since I started this meditation thing that I did a meditation unplanned, as a response to something happening in my life instead of part of my routine. In this case, I needed to cool my head and calm my emotions in the middle of my work shift; I'll start from the beginning, of course.

I guess it all started with my dab pen. Yesterday I forgot to take it with me when I left the house in the morning. I managed to make it through my whole shift just fine, but my head was feeling pretty off by the time I got home. I thought I was just exhausted from a long day of work, but I took a puff on my pen as soon as I got home and that made me feel a lot more normal almost immediately (although still tired, so I took a nap).

I was actually pretty proud that I made it through my whole shift, though, and didn't realize the lack of weed was affecting me until I got home. The last time I tried to cut back on the weed, I cut back too much and got some suicidal thoughts. I'm trying not to rely on it so much, so if I can make it through work and not use the weed until I get home to relax, that'd be a healthier balance.

so with that in mind, I left the pen home this morning again, on purpose this time. So that put me on edge right from the start. Then I got to work and things got worse. The closing cook from the previous night was very inexperienced and I had to fix all the stuff they messed up before I could start doing my own job.

but they'd messed up so badly, that we actually had to get a repair guy in to fix our fryers. He's the guy we clashed with. I felt like he was talking down to us, because he didn't know or understand that we've been working with these fryers for years and know how to do basic troubleshooting on them. He got worked up too and we had a bit of an argument in front of my manager.

I managed to stop things from getting out of control, though. I could feel the demons writhing inside of me, so I clenched our fists, wrapped up our current task, muttered “takin' my lunch” and went straight to the timeclock. As we stood there, trying to decide what to do next, I felt like I was barely in control. I was full of hot, buzzing energy and could barely think through it. I wanted to punch a wall, or kick something over, or break something.

so I went straight outside and just kept walking. I ended up sitting on the sidewalk around the side of the building, my back up against the wall, and meditated. The sound of traffic passing was actually pretty soothing, and drowned out the distractions of birds making noise in the distance and someone running a lawn mower or leaf blower or something.

lunch is only a half hour, so I meditated for the first 15 and then went back inside to grab a quick lunch. On the way I ran into my manager, who checked in to make sure I was all right. She seemed to understand, and was actually happy to hear that I had gone outside to meditate and cool my head. Before I left, the repair guy also checked in with me, and we apologized to each other and left on good terms.

over all, we managed the situation pretty well, but it's pretty telling of the way that depending on the weed to keep my emotions in check has degraded my ability to control them myself. That's good though; gotta know where the leaks in the ship are if I'm going to patch them up.